My Love/Hate Relationship with Literature

Literature and I have always had a complicated relationship. For years we tried to work things out, try to make things clearer between us, understand our weak points, but it is always me leaving literature. I just can’t handle it sometimes, all the confusion and embarrassment for not being able to understand Literature gets too overwhelming and such a pain in my ass. But literature has done a lot for me, I owe so much to Literature. From helping me learn a completely new language to fit in a new place, to always being there for me when I need a little me time, and helping me taking my mind of off all the stress and my hectic life. Always there to teach me new things, always a touch away, Literature helped me open up and understand myself and the person I have become. Literature and I will always have ups and downs but our relationship is eternal and unbreakable.

Coming to the great new world, America, from a small third world country called Bangladesh is a huge life changing thing for a young 5-year-old girl. Learning a different language and not fitting in is never easy, especially for a little girl that was curious about everything and just wants to explore, ask questions, go places, but all that was impossible to her when she didn’t even know how to ask, “where is the restroom?” in English. I was told to read books to help me learn English faster. Tiny story books about fairies, frogs, princesses, ducks, little stories that made me frustrated. Nothing made sense, it was all gibberish. What was the frog trying to do? What does this story mean? Why are there not enough pictures? Literature and I were not friends, we’re enemies, I hated it, especially when I had to write summaries about those books in elementary school. I hated reading and writing, I thought it was too hard, I never liked reading out loud because I didn’t know a lot of the words, everything was just so embarrassing because I was afraid of being laughed at. I wanted to run away from literature, but I never could get too far before Literature caught up to me. My parents didn’t really know how to help me either because they didn’t get much education back in Bangladesh. My insecurities and plain stubbornness made things worse for me. I was becoming that kid that didn’t even have that great of imagination. I always tried to find a way to cheat my way out of reading, I was shy, reserved, hated participation because I feared the teacher would tell me to read. Who would’ve thought literature, my worst enemy can have such a big impact on me as a person?

Chapter books were becoming frenemies during the last years of elementary school. I enjoyed reading some of the books that I found at the classroom library, but I could never finish the story, I would just get so bored and just start a whole new story. I didn’t know what I was doing, I just liked reading the first half of a book but I looked at it like “hey, at least I’m reading now”, which it way better than just not reading at all. I still hated reading out loud but I was starting to make more friends, talk to other kids about god knows what but life was a little better. I was no longer that girl that didn’t know English, but the girl who was in middle school that was helping a new student from Bangladesh learn English.

It wasn’t until High school that Literature and I became friends. I read a book recommended by my friend just for the hell of it, not for any class or to write a summary. After by Anna Todd showed me a new way of looking at books. I realized I loved reading that book, I couldn’t stop reading the over 300-page book, and stayed up all night finishing it. I was so invested, every detail, every line, like I was there with Tessa at the party, I was there When Hardin just screamed out his love for Tessa. I forgot about the rest of the world, Literature showed me a different side of life. I was happy just looking at the words in that book and thought about it every second of the day, had hours long of conversation with my friend about the book. I was laughing while I was reading, getting angry, even crying. I started to look at literature in different eyes, it wasn’t hatred, I looked at it with affection and passion. Discussions in class become so fun I loved talking about the deep meanings behind a character’s action, the intentions.

No, Literature and I are not lovers, I made sure Literature stayed in the friend zone even though maybe sometimes I might have given the wrong signals. I continued to read all of the books from the After series, I even wrote a book report on the second book and guess what, I loved every second and every single of those 10 pages I was not required to write. I even didn’t hate Shakespeare, can you believe that? Shakespeare is the most extra, complicated for no reason, boring literature I’ve ever read. But I actually liked analyzing some of his worked and looking for all the foreshadowing. Most of all I loved making fun of how dumb Romero and Juliet was, like seriously Juliet you met him a for 5 minutes and you married him the next day. I would never understand that kind of dumb love. I found this app called Wattpad and read short stories every night before I went to sleep, waiting for the train, during lunch, pretty sure I didn’t even realize I read every single day and I didn’t hate it. Yes, I still hated the reading assignments from school but I didn’t hate literature as a whole.

Literature helped me learn English, fit into a new place. Literature showed me a different side of myself, I expressed my feelings, spoke out, fought for my beliefs. Literature helped me grow as a person, I became more open-minded. I loved all those little short stories I read about LGBTQ characters finding love and acceptance. Literature made me into this weird girl that loves thinking about werewolves and vampires. Literature helped me dream of finding love and having my little fairy tale love story. Literature made me into a happier person and I still read my little stories while I’m on the train, eating, even staying up all night when the story is too good t put down.

Literature is happiness, tears, anger, heartache, love, a friend.

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